


P.S. - I Hope You're Happy

by starrnobella



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Diary/Journal, Explicit Language, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, POV First Person, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:14:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrnobella/pseuds/starrnobella
Summary: No matter how many years go by, some feelings never change.





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Acceptable Answer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10985118) by [starrnobella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrnobella/pseuds/starrnobella). 



Hey my loves,

This is my author's note for the whole story. I know you aren't supposed to use a chapter as an author's note, but I'm making another exception like I did for The Acceptable Answer since these stories are connected.

There are a total of eight parts to this story. They are all relatively short and easy to read. I will be updating every day until it is complete. I will be posting Part 1 right after this chapter so that you can get a feel for the story.

Since this is similar to The Acceptable Answer, I will make you aware of the fact that this story is written in first person. It is also written in a diary format. Everything takes place in Daphne's point of view and looks at the aftermath of her break-up with Theo.

We will see how she copes with a large variety of things over a span of a select amount of days that she has allowed us to peek into.

This story is completely stand alone, but will make a tad more sense if you have read The Acceptable Answer.

The story is Rated M for implied sexual situations and language.

This story is self-betaed, but was originally alpha read by one of my friends. So all mistakes are my own and I apologize for them profusely.

All of the usual disclaimers apply. I don't write for profit and I certainly don't own any of these characters. J. K. Rowling is a wonderful human being for supporting fanfiction and allowing authors to express themselves with the help of her characters and the world she created.

This story really hits close to home for me and it has been a struggle to write since the beginning, but it's a story that I wanted to share.

If you are interested in checking out my other works or keeping up with me in general, I have an author's page on Facebook that you can check out (starrnobella Fanfiction) as well as a group (starrnobella Fanfiction Friends & Fans) that I am very active in on a daily basis. I'm also on tumblr (starrnobella) that you can follow along with me as well.

Love always,

~starr


	2. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/39682958402/in/dateposted-public/)

 

I'm numb. Is that a normal way to feel after a breakup? Although at this point, I'm not entirely sure what is normal anymore. I also don't know how to feel. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. Is that normal too?

"It's not that I don't love you anymore…" That's what you told me just seconds before your tore my heart out. What other reason would you have to go running into someone else's arms? If you still loved me, you'd still be here. We'd still be together. We could be happy.

I can hear Astoria and Pansy on the other side of the door. They keep trying to get me to eat and talk. I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk. I just want to be alone, since that's how I'm meant to remain in this world apparently.

I thought you were different. I thought that for once I was allowed to be happy. I opened myself up to you and let you get deeper than anyone before. You knew me better than anyone. How could I have been so stupid?

We could have been each other's happy ending. We could have been something amazing. Why did you have to go and ruin that?

Why did she have to get involved?

What did I do wrong?

I know I should probably hate you, but I don't. I'm just numb.

I thought we were meant to be together forever. A decent person may have told me before they started talk to another person that things didn't feel quite right between the two of us, but not you.

You decided it would be in your best interest to find someone else to start talking to before we had officially ended things. Not to mention the fact that you had the stupidity of telling me she was the one who convinced you to not break up with me sooner.

I think that's what hurt me the most. The fact that there wasn't a part of you that could convince yourself I was worth your time and you wanted to be with me. We were "together" for over a year. There has to be more to your reasoning than what my brain has come up with.

Please tell me what exactly I did wrong to make you not want to continue a relationship with me, besides the fact that I wasn't willing to fuck you while another person joined us in the bed.

Sorry, but that's not who I am. If that's your only reason and the biggest reason for our fighting lately, then maybe I'm happy to be rid of you.

I know I talked a big game, but you should have known something was off about the entire situation. I only initiated that conversation when I was looking to get you off quickly because I wanted to get some sleep.

Can't say I didn't know you better than I knew myself, can you?

Don't get me wrong. Those conversations were hot, but come on. Why the fucking hell would you think I'd be willing to share you? I gave up a lot for you, but I wasn't willing to change who I was and you should have realized those were only fantasies that crossed my mind on rare occasions.

I guess I just wasn't enough for you.

What else is new? I'm not good enough for anyone.


	3. Day 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953999919/in/dateposted-public/)

I probably should have skipped all of my classes today. Last night was fun, but not worth the headache I've got now. Although there was no way I could turn everyone down. Who was I to stop them from wanting to buy me drinks all night? I guess you could say that's the perks of being the birthday girl.

But the ever so studious me decided it would be a good idea to go to all my classes hung over because I'm insane. What makes me even more insane is that I bothered to read the fucking text messages you sent me during class.

I don't know why I looked. I shouldn't have cared. You weren't really interested in talking to me anyways. You couldn't be bothered to text to happy birthday until halfway through the day.

Sorry if that makes me sound petty, but I was a pretty important person in your life for a few months and you couldn't be bothered to send me a quick message earlier in the day. We've only been broken up for like a week. What had you so busy?

On second thought, I don't want to know. For fucks sake, you lucky I even bothered answering my phone when I saw your message came through.

You broke my heart a little over a week ago and then today you just had to rub salt in the wound.  _Drunken whore_  was really the best you could come up with though? It wasn't bad enough telling me I lost every chance I ever had of getting you back just because I wanted to celebrate my twenty-first birthday the way normal people celebrate it.

Excuse me for wanting to go out with my friends and have a few drinks. God forbid I actually try to have fun and try to move on with my life. Not that anything happened with anyone that night, but still it was the thought that counted.

Hell, I haven't even considered anyone else. For the last week I was convinced that after you took some time to yourself, you'd realize I was the person you wanted to be with instead of her. Apparently I was wrong, no fucking doubt about that.

Merlin, what the hell was I even thinking?

Ever since you met her, I knew my ass was on the way out the door. It was only just a matter of time before you figured out I wasn't what you wanted. I've been used so many times before that I a have developed a sixth sense about these kind of things. But with you, it didn't feel like all of the other times. It never felt like I was being used, even up until the very end.

Although I guess that's on me for not realizing it. Everything just seemed to be going well, but it was all a façade.

Why am I even surprised? I should have been able to see it coming. I used to be her, after all.

Did you even love me? Because right now, if you told me that you had loved me at all, I'd call you a liar. I'd say it to your face too because that's how pissed off I am at this entire thing.

I didn't even get a chance to explain myself. Not that I fucking needed to, I'm a grown ass woman who deserves to be treated as one. I wanted to go out with my friends to celebrate the fact that I've been able to survive my shitstorm of a life for the past twenty one years. You were only a part of my life for just under a year, so guess what? That means I've dealt with more shit than you are even aware of.

You were my first. A fact that you were well aware of because I made a point of telling you when we first started talking. Is that something I should have had to admit to you? No, absolutely not. But I did because I felt it was something you deserved to be aware of before we started anything.

Want to know why I didn't sleep with anyone when I was younger? I was afraid of what would happen or what would be said about me after I left the room. Trust me, I heard the way that you guys talked in the common room after your dates went back to their rooms. You and your friends were talked about those girls like they were nothing and like you didn't care about them at all.

If I were one of them and I overheard your "guy chat," I'm not sure things would have gone the same way for the two of us had it been me. You know almost too well that I have a ridiculously low self-esteem. So overhearing those comments would have sent me into a spiralling depression and probably would have resulted in me failing out of Hogwarts. Luckily for me, it wasn't me you were talking about then. Although now my behavior seems to be the center of your judgment.

And it appears today that my self-esteem is on it's way to a new all time low. All thanks to you.

I know I shouldn't be blaming you for any of this, but right now I don't have anyone else to blame besides myself. I know I'm the one to blame. However it's more fun this way and in my opinion, it's more productive right now.

I know I should hate you, but here I am loving you anyways.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I guess I'm not privy to that information about my own life.


	4. Day 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/39701441432/in/dateposted-public/)   
> 

Talk about an awkward situation in which for once in our "relationship" the roles were reversed. I'm the one who pissed as I'm walking away from you and you seem to be perfectly fine, happy even with maybe a slight feeling of regret.

I've been afraid of going to the bar with my friends.  _Our_ friends. All because I didn't want to experience a situation where I could possibly bump into you as I'm on my way home in a drunken stupor. Not that I have gotten drunk since my twenty-first birthday. I don't want to relive that experience ever again. Once was embarrassing enough.

I fucking broke down crying in the middle of my class. I guess I'm just lucky that Snape wasn't paying any attention to me at the time. My friends were looking at me like I was insane. It was the day after my twenty-first birthday. Yeah sure, I should have been hungover the day after my birthday, but not fucking heart broken.

So of course, the one night I decide I'm actually going to go to the bar with a bunch of my friends is the one night that I actually run into you on my way home. Although, I'd have to say that the icing on that damn cake was where I happened to run into you.

The fact that she lives two doors down from me wasn't enough, was it? You just had to be on your way to see her at eleven o'clock at night when I'm on my way home from the bar.

Couldn't I just get one night of peace? One night where I don't have to feel like I'm in the wrong.

Haven't I done that enough already? You know what I've dealt with at home. You know how small and irrelevant I feel when I'm there. To be forced to feel that way when I'm away at school is just miserable, and honestly no one should ever have to feel that way.

I'm just waiting for the text message to come through harassing me about being a drunk whore again because I decided to go out with my friends. The ironic thing is that most of the people I was out with tonight were your friends. Or at least, they were your friends first. Tonight though, they were definitely my friends. I'll forever be grateful that we were able to laugh and have a good old time. It definitely made me feel a whole hell of a lot better than I have felt in a long time.

For the first time in over a month, I was able to smile and laugh like I used to before we met. I was actually happy. Do you have any idea how nice that was? I was finally beginning to feel like myself. That is, until I ran into you.

All of the fun I was having just moments before faded into the darkness with the rest of my happy memories from tonight. I can feel the tears starting to roll down my cheek as I write this out because that's just how much all of this still hurts.

I gave everything to you. Do you hear me?

_Everything!_

I was a quiet, introverted person who was perfectly content spending the night in my bedroom with my journal and some music playing in the background. All the peace and quiet that I craved for so long. Until I met you.

The day I met you is when all of that changed. The day I met you is when  _everything_ changed.

I became a person who was so desperate to make someone else happy and say fuck it all to my own happiness. Anytime we would fight, it would break my heart. The fighting would tear apart my spirit because I was doing something to anger you and that wasn't what I wanted.

Even when it wasn't my fault, I still felt like it was. I would go into these crazy depressive spirals when we would fight. I wouldn't eat. I barely slept. I cried myself to sleep, well that is when I would get any at all. Everything I did felt wrong because I knew you were upset with me.

I always felt like I was disappointing you when we would fight. I never once blamed you for any of it. Even when my friends tried to tell me you were cheating on me before we were official. I took your side and told them that they were crazy. I got shunned because I stood up for you.

Now here we are a little over a year later and I'm still being shunned. Only this time it's by you. We aren't together anymore and you made your point very clear when you told me that I wasn't going to get you back. So why is that you get to shun me and act like you don't even know me now?

It should be me doing the shunning. I should be the one with the dual personalities. One moment acting like nothing ever happened between us and then in the next moment acting like I never want anything to do with you ever again.

It shouldn't be you that gets to be happy.

It should be my turn.

For once, I wish it was my turn to be anything but miserable.


	5. Day 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953998789/in/dateposted-public/)

Here I am again, crying my eyes out because of a guy.

When did this become my life?

When did I become the girl who let her life become dictated by what a guy thinks about things?

Also, when did I become the type of person who just sits and cries in a room full of people?

That has never been me.  _Ever_. I have never shown that kind of weakness in front of anyone. Typically I save that kind of display for the privacy of my bedroom. First I cried in front of you when we break up and now here I am crying a room full of our... _my_  friends.

None of them know what to do. I can see them out of the corner of my eye starting to move to the corners of the common room, just to get away from me. All I can feel is my anxiety rising to the surface at this point however, ready to burst like a dam that can't hold anymore water back. I need to get out of here like now.

Great, now Astoria's taken my phone. Although, it's probably for the best. Every time it buzzes, I just start crying harder. Having it in my lap is making things worse, so maybe things will be better without it anywhere near me.

Except I can still hear that damn sound.

_Buzz buzz._

A few seconds pass by.

_Buzz buzz._

Maybe he'll get the hint.

Maybe he'll stop torturing me.

Maybe he'll just disappear into oblivion and I'll never hear from him again.

I just want it all to stop, but every time I close my eyes and feel the panic start to subside that  _damn_ sound brings it all flooding back.

_Buzz buzz._

What could he possibly want to say to me that he hasn't said already? Wasn't storming out of the common room without a word bad enough? Even when I called after him, he refused to acknowledge me. It just caused my heart to shatter and bring back all of the pain I was beginning to shove aside.

I was willing to leave. You didn't have to storm away like a child.

But they are my friends too!

I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to see them. For fuck's sake, I didn't even know you were there. Not until your dramatic exit, complete with the loud slam of the heavy door. A sound that will haunt my every waking moment and every single one of my dreams.

A sound that I wish would leave me alone. Just like my phone right now. That fucking buzzing is going to drive me insane. Just leave me the hell alone…

As much as I would love to be curled up beside you right now in a blissful post fucking embrace, I know that isn't going to happen ever again. You made that point crystal clear in one of your messages.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

Go away, Theo. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with you right now. You are upset and I'm on the verge of a mental break down.

Blaise wants me to give him a hug because he wants to help me deal with all of this, but I don't have the desire to move. I just want to sit here and curl up into a tight little ball and forget the world even exists.

You were my entire world for so long and now you are gone.

How the hell am I supposed to live my life without you in it?

I don't want to go on living if you're not the one by my side. It's not what I want in my life. You were supposed to be my forever. Why are you leaving me alone?

You don't know how much you mean to me. But apparently that doesn't mean much to you. Or so it seems.

But, I can't let you have control over my life anymore. If I continue to be a doll in your manipulative puppeteer game, I will never be happy. I need to take control of my own life. If only I knew how. I can't allow myself to be shoved aside as you focus on someone else in your game.

I need to take over the strings you use to pull on.

Unfortunately there is only one way I know how to do such a thing. I need to tell you goodbye. No matter how badly I don't want to. You mean far too much to me to say goodbye so easily, but it's the only way I will be able to sleep in peace at night.

So this is me saying goodbye. I can't be with you anymore.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

No, I'm not going to answer everytime you come calling.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

Leave me alone. I'm finally going to try to move on from you.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

What the fucking hell do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to be happy?

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

No, I'm not here. Just let me suffer in peace.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

For the love of all that is holy.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

Theo, no! Take the hint.

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

I'm not strong enough anymore….


	6. Day 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953998359/in/dateposted-public/)

No. Just no. Today is the day all this bullshit changes. We aren't playing this game anymore

Mr. Spider, you can take your web and shove it back where it came from. I'm not getting sucked into your trap anymore. My days of getting stuck in a rut when it comes to you are over.

You don't get to be mad at me for wanting to spend time with my friends. Just because I became friends with them after we got together does not mean that now we've broken up I have to give up those friends.

If it weren't for some of those people in that room last night, I might not have been here today to be writing this. They are the ones who were able to save me from the dark side. They are the ones that told me someday all of this would blow away and I'd be okay.

The ones who didn't know me nearly as well as you were the ones that saved me. They didn't turn their backs on me like you did. They showed me what it means to have friends and loyalties to those friends.

You don't get to be the one to storm away and then tear me to shreds. The things you told me over the last month and a half were things that never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined you saying. At least never to me. Maybe behind my back, but never to my face.

Honestly, I'm appalled at your behavior and I'm happy it's no longer my problem. Your new girlfriend gets to deal with it.

What a weight off my fucking shoulders! Maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night because I won't be afraid of hearing you've bitten off a bit more than you can chew and I have to go clean up the mess you've made.

You don't get to throw tantrums when things don't go your way. Guess what, sweetheart? I was invited to come hang out for the night. Your friends knew I was coming. It's not my fault they didn't warn you I was on my way over so that you could make your quick little get away.

You don't get to hate me anymore.

It's my turn.

It's my turn to be petty and get mad. It's my turn to act like a fucking toddler and yell at you. It's my turn to tell you exactly how I feel. It's my turn to say everything I have been afraid of saying for so long.

I hate you. That's the first time I've even consider writing those words down.

I absolutely fucking hate you. I hate the person you have become since you met  _her_. You are a completely different person and it's not a person I want to be associated with anymore.

I'm glad you aren't my responsibility anymore. I'm so happy I don't have to deal with the intense mood swings because something doesn't go exactly your way. I don't have to deal with the late night hissy fits when you hear something that you don't like.

 _Merlin_ , I don't think I could keep an accurate count of the number of times you flipped your lid because I told you something that wasn't exactly what you needed to hear at that moment. I'm not sure I want to try to count the number of times you flipped out because of something someone else did that pissed you off.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really dating someone my age and not a fucking toddler who didn't like hearing his babysitter tell him the word no. Regardless of what the tantrum was about, I inevitably began feeling like your babysitter. It's a definitely a weight off my shoulders to not feel that way anymore.

Picking you up at the fucking headmaster's office because you got into a fight on the fucking Quidditch field was definitely not one of my proudest moments from our relationship. Then you had the nerve to get upset with Draco because he was trying to make sure that you didn't do anything stupid. That's why he called me that night, not because he wanted to rat you out. If he wouldn't have called me, you could have been kicked off the Quidditch team or even expelled from school.

Luckily for me, I don't have to deal with the added weight now. I don't have to worry about getting those calls. I get to focus on myself and becoming the best version of me I can be. I can finally focus on getting healthy again and being happy for the first time in months.

Maybe someday I'll be willing to give my heart away again, but for now? There's no way in hell I'm letting another person trample all over it like you did. I'm keeping that wall up for a long time, at least until I find someone I can trust with it.

I'm done caring about what other people think. I'm especially done caring about what your opinions of me say. I will not force myself to be someone I'm not just to make someone else happy. I won't pretend to be interested in things that I have no desire to be interested in. I won't force myself to do things that make me feel uncomfortable. Sure, I'll still try new things, but it won't be because someone else is telling me it could be fun. It will be because I want to do them. Everything will be on my own terms instead of someone else's.

Just the way life is supposed to be.

For the first time in a long time, I'll only be worried about my own damn happiness.

For once, I'm the only one who matters.


	7. Day 258

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953998129/in/dateposted-public/)

Of all the names in all the world to appear on my screen, the last one I expected to see was yours. Hell, just seeing you today brought back a flood of memories I thought I had buried so far beneath the surface that I'd never see them again. Turns out I was wrong.

Every single feeling. Every single harsh word. Every word of comfort. Every hateful thought. Every emotion that ever ran through my head. Everything came right back as if it had happened just days before.

You were the love of my life and then you just disappeared. Unfortunately for me, those feelings never went away. The feelings of meaning something to someone never faded. There are days that those feelings are the only reason I'm able to get out of bed. For a while at least, it felt like someone cared if I lived another day.

I have no idea where this conversation is going to go, but I want to see it play out.

Why?

Well if I'm being honest, it's because I'm curious. I want to know how this is going to go because the way I'm looking at it, this conversation could end one of three ways.

 _Way number 1:_ We talk.

Things appear to go smoothly.

Feelings that used to remain hidden under the surface begin bubbling up again. I begin to feel myself dive bombing back into a situation where my mental health goes out the window. I start feeling things that I should not be feeling for a man who is taken by someone who's not me.

I allow myself to start thinking things that I have no business thinking about at this point. Our conversation has only just begun afterall. I open myself up to being hurt again. Only to hope that you don't prove my concerns to be true and I spiral once again.

Except when the conversation ends, I never hear from you again.

 _Way number 2:_ We talk much the same as situation number one.

Two messages in, something gets said that leads to us fighting like we used to. We both end up saying things we don't really mean, but we know what we choose to say will hurt the other. Except, I'm the only one who ends up getting hurt in the end.

Want to know why I know this? Because it's what always happens. I'm just predicting the future. Maybe for once, I will be wrong…

 _Way number 3:_ We talk just the same as before, but something goes differently this time. There's no negativity, hatred, or harsh words. Everything is just peaceful and we have a normal conversation.

Unfortunately for me, I know that this kind of conversation is something I can guarantee will never happen between the two of us. It's just not the way our relationship works. We have never been able to be civil for an extended period of time. Usually something stupid manages to piss both of us off and that's the end of the conversation.

Although that's not what happened tonight. Tonight was different.

Honestly after the last six months, I was expecting all hell to break loose when you showed up at the flat today. I know you were only there to see Pansy since she was graduating, but I must say it was nice to see you. Civil silence seems to be the best option when it comes to the two of us, outside of a few brief moment of social silence.

Except today we were able to talk face to face as though there was never anything between us. I am more shocked at the fact that it didn't sting more when I came to that realization. It felt as though I was hanging out with a friend. A friend that for once really understood me and wasn't just pretending to know why I was upset.

When you had texted me later, I wasn't expecting the person on the other end of the messages to come to me as a friend. It was nice to feel like I had you as one of those again.

I missed feeling as though I had a friend in you. Our friendship made the craziness of my life seem to be a little less crazy and a little more simple. Not that anything was really ever simple. You aren't supposed to develop romantic feelings for your friends. Only friendly feelings. Right?

Regardless of the feelings that have and haven't developed between us, it was nice feeling as though I mattered to you. It made everything we've been through almost worthwhile. There are still a few parts I'd love to forget about, however.

I guess for now though, I'll bask in the feelings I've got right now and hope they don't fade away too quickly.


	8. Day 1458

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953997879/in/dateposted-public/)

It's been a little over four years since you broke my heart. To this day, it is still one of the darkest nights of my entire life. I'm not entirely sure I've forgiven you for it either. It most certainly is a day that will never be forgotten for as long as I live.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the way that I'm supposed to feel about you. I shouldn't even be thinking about you. Hell, I should be out fucking some new wizard every night until I find one that I feel like settling down with.

However, here I am four years later, still as single as the day you broke my heart. The most interesting piece of it all is that everything up until this point has been completely my choice.

I have chosen to stay single.

I have chosen not to sleep with every wizard that looks my way.

I have chosen to find away to allow my life to more than a depressive state of nothingness since I can't change the outcome of our situation.

I made the choice to move away from home to try and find happiness with someone else, not that I have found anyone else at the moment.

I made the decision to try and be happy even though I know there is still a cloud hanging over my head when it comes to thoughts of you.

I still see you in almost the same light I saw you while we were dating. It's almost as though you could do no wrong and even if you did, I'd still come crawling back to you on hands and knees.

If I'm continuing to admit the truth here, I might as well come out and say everything that has been on my mind about you as of late. However, all these thoughts have proven to me is that my life is way more complicated than I would like to believe it to be. It shows me I will not be able to move on in a way that most people would deem to be healthy.

The most important truth I should probably admit is the simple fact that I am still head over heels in love with you.

There is nothing you could say or do to me that would change that simple fact. Hell, if everything you have done up until this point hasn't driven me away, then I'm honestly not sure that anything ever could make those feelings go away.

Secondly, there's not a day that goes by I don't reconsider my stance on one of the biggest reasons why we are no longer together. I know each and every time we talk it's something that gets joked about, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.

There are times I consider what would happen if I said yes and decided to join you and Millie in the bed that you two share. There's a part of me that would enjoy the fuck out of it and be begging for it to happen again and again. I'd be able to find a part of myself that has been missing, if not dormant for so long. A part of me that is willing to indulge in those certain fantasies I keep hidden in the dark.

However, then there's the part of me that knows the reality of the situation. The responsible part of me that keeps me from making stupid irrational decisions. The part of me that will continue to say no and stand by my choice, not allowing myself to be wrapped up in a situation I have no business being involved in.

I know I will get hurt in the end. I know I will become overly attached to something that isn't what I want and is not in the direction that I want my life to be headed in. I know no matter how many times I tell myself I'd be okay being a third wheel, it will never be true.

I'm selfish. I always have been and always will be. There's no doubt about that. It's not that I have to be the center of attention at all points in my life, but it's nice to be the center of attention when it comes to the person I just so happen to be fucking each night before I go to bed. Or each morning before I leave for work. The simple fact of it all is if I am sleeping with you, then I'd like to be in the center of your attention for the majority of that time.

Thankfully with you, I never had to worry about not getting to finish. That was one thing you were always good at in bed. Of course, that's not the only thing you were good at, but I don't really need to be thinking about those memories right now. I'll save those for some of the more lonely nights. I'm sure there will be many more of those in my future.

I know I can't blame you for any of this. It all falls on me. I'm perpetually single because I can't bring myself to open up to anyone else and allow them into my life long enough to form that kind of connection. There is too much trust involved. Trust I'm not ready to openly give to anyone at the moment.

As I sit here and think about all the words I never said and all the opportunities I have missed because I decided to stand my ground, I am beginning to see that maybe in the end this is the best decision for both of us. In fact, it may have been a bit of luck for each of us.

After all of this, I just want the best for both of us.

I want us both to be happy and it really seems like you are.

That's all I could ever ask for.


	9. Day 1588

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/caligirl9392/27953997279/in/dateposted-public/)

I knew this day would come. In fact, I'm impressed it hadn't happened sooner than it did. I'm not surprised it happened. Just surprised that it hurts so fucking much.

All I ever wanted in my life was for you to be happy, but here I am wishing that you weren't. Wishing that it was me getting engaged to someone instead of you or at least me getting engaged to you instead of her.

I know, I know I have no fucking room to talk because I won't ever tell you what's actually going on instead my head. But guess what. You dumped me, so there is no reason for me to tell you exactly what is going on inside my head. Do you want to know why that is? It's because I apparently don't mean as much to you as I thought I did. Of all the things you could have warned me about, your engagement could have been one of them.

What kills me, Theo, is that you knew I'd see it and find out in a less than opportune way. Something like that would have been easier to take with some warning. Sure it still would have hurt, but at least I could have been mentally prepared to deal with the feelings that undoubtedly would be building up inside of me.

I thought that when this would actually happen, I would have been in a relationship of my own that would have made the sting a little more bearable. I would have at least have something besides firewhisky to soften the blow. I thought that when this happened, I'd be over you.

Apparently I'm not that lucky.

Never have been.

Never will be.

Although I don't think you thought this entire thing through. Remember what you enjoy talking to me about? Remember what happened when you two moved to a completely different neighborhood? Just think about those feelings times about a thousand and maybe you'll be on the same level of frustration that I'm on.

From now on, consider yourself lucky if I even consider responding to your messages. If I want to properly be able to deal with my own mental health and well-being, then I won't be able to stomach talking to you without diving into a spiral that no one wants to see me in.

Luckily Hermione's here to keep me from diving into a bottle, but that won't stop me from trying to at least dampen the pain I'm feeling. But I don't even know why I feel pain. I shouldn't feel pain. I've cried my tears over your. I've allowed my heart to mourn your loss.

So why now? Why does it have to hurt now? Oh yeah, that's right because I'm the fucking moron who is still head over heels in love with you. Yet at the same time, I'm the fucking moron who won't just tell you how exactly I feel.

Not that telling you how I feel would change anything. I actually think that at this point it would make things worse. At this point, you don't have any other choice other than turning me down. You've made yourself completely off limits to me.

You know the lines I won't cross, regardless of how many times you have asked me to. Sure I've considered it, but it's something I will never change about myself. Now that seems as though to be my only option.

Why is it that the next one after me is the one that seems to be forever? You aren't the first one to break my heart and then find your forever and always, and I'm sure you won't be the last either. First it was Harry and then he was quickly followed by Ron. My life is just a revolving door for wizards to find their happily ever after once they've gotten most of what they want from me.

I can't put a finger on the reasons why that's the case for my life, which means I can't change it and stop it from again in the future. If I knew why, then maybe I'd be able to do something to make it stop and be able to be happy in my life. However until that day comes, I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. That's something I'm just going to have to learn to deal with.

As much as I hate you, I do wish you well.

No matter how difficult things get for me, there's one thing I want for you.

I hope you're happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!
> 
> ~starr


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